Lessons from the back porch - Indiana Traditional Bowhunters Association

john nail · Guru

RE: Lessons from the back porch

john nail · Guru

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" "
First Place !," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.

flingshot · Guru

Haaaaaaaa HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

john nail · Guru

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.' But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.

john nail · Guru

john nail · Guru

John was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible.

hillbillyking · Guru

Hope this Rooster gets Plucked come next fall FO Sho !! !!

john nail · Guru

My Census form was returned.

In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?',

I put ....... 'Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, crack heads,
unemployable bastards, the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 80,000 people in our 133 penal establishments,
leftovers from Katrina, half of Mexico, Some of the Congress, most of the Senate and a Muslim President!'

................. Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer

flingshot · Guru

That answer may not have been acceptible,but it was pretty accurate.

randy grider · Guru

Don't worry John, the above mentioned in the list are now perfectly legal, or politically correct ..., nowadays I don't think there is a difference.

john nail · Guru

flingshot · Guru

Passing it on.

john nail · Guru

deleted: too rough for family

-- Edited by john nail on Thursday 28th of July 2011 11:19:47 AM

john nail · Guru

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
10. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
11. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
12. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
13. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
14. 52 cards = 1 decacards
15. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
16. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
17. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
18. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
19. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
20. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
21. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

thunt · Guru

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! John, thats the best one yet!!

john nail · Guru

General Electric is planning to move its 115-year-old X-ray division from Waukesha , Wis. , to Beijing China .

In addition to moving the headquarters, the company will invest $2 billion in China and train more than 65 engineers and create six research centers.

This is the same GE that made $5.1 billion in the United States last year, but paid no taxes-the same company that employs more people overseas than it does in the United States .
So let me get this straight. President Obama appointed GE Chairman Jeff Immelt to head his commission on job creation (job czar).?

Immelt is supposed to help create jobs. I guess the President forgot to tell him in which country he was supposed to be creating those jobs. If this doesn't show you the total lack of leadership, I don't know what does.

Like they say, "There is no cure for STUPID!"

john nail · Guru

This is alarming!

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain

Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,

yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive, and

7) Failed to think rationally

No further testing was considered necessary!

jdemoya · Guru

I knew there was a reason why I did not like beer! Thanks for the info.

God bless,

José

-- Edited by jdemoya on Tuesday 6th of September 2011 06:13:16 AM

hillbillyking · Guru

Welp Rekon Thats why Iam so MANly I Dont Drink Hehehehehe !! !!

john nail · Guru

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my
plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the
check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink
my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I
try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for
the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

john nail · Guru

Yellow Light

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me
To Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless

james · Member

you a great john i love your stories.doyle does too

john nail · Guru

QUITE SIMPLE:

The folks who are getting free stuff,
Don't like the folks who are paying for the free stuff,
Because the folks who are paying for the free stuff,
Can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff.

And, the folks who are paying for the free stuff,
Want the free stuff to stop.
And the folks who are getting the free stuff,
Want even MORE free stuff on top of the free stuff they're getting
already!

Now..... The people who are forcing people to PAY for the free stuff,
Have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff,
That the people who are PAYING for the free stuff,
Are being mean, prejudiced and racist.

So .... the people who are GETTING the free stuff,
Have been convinced they need to HATE the people who are PAYING for the
free stuff because they are selfish. And they are promised more free
stuff if they will vote for the people who force the people who pay for the free stuff to give
them even more free stuff.

flingshot · Guru

And there you have it folks. The stuff we just read was more free stuff. Thanks John !

hillbillyking · Guru

glad am not getting free stuff Nowhere to put it !! !!

john nail · Guru

Great line in the editorial of the Idaho Statesmen today.

Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is analogous to watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.

flingshot · Guru

That pretty much spells it out.

john nail · Guru

5 year change in spelling as per the UN

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

flingshot · Guru

Vot ? Ze hel u Zey.

jdemoya · Guru

John, you are cracking up!

Like the old man said in that famous movie: I believe you need a "full-time night (and day) woman" to keep you busy with honey-dos and such. As it is now, you got too much free time.

Can you tell I am envious? biggrin

God bless,

José